Texas Defense Attorney’s Cross Examination of Police Officer

Cross Examination
A Texas defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several
blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock
your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to
walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Texas Defense Lawyer’s Argument Leads to Twist

He’s Alive!
A noted Texas defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder,
although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom’s
clock and, pointing to it, announced, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I
have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the
door of this courtroom.”
A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing
happened.
The smirking lawyer continued, “The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to
walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to
whether a murder was actually committed.”
Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.
The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict.
When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman:
“Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!”
“Well,” the foreman explained, “Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the
defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Man Chosen for Jury Duty in Fort Worth, Texas Court Case Gets Confused

Jury Duty
A man who was chosen for jury duty in a Fort Worth, Texas court case wanted very much to be dismissed from serving. He tried just about
every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said, “I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky, beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, ‘He’s a crook! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!’ Therefore, your Honor, I could not possibly remain on this jury.”
Glaring at him, the Judge replied, “Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!”

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Fort Worth, Texas Lawyer Opens Office, Makes First Impression

New Client
A lawyer in Fort Worth, Texas opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his
secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.
Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his
office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…”Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this
case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don’t bother me again until that amount has been
agreed to!”
Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, “How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to
help you?”
Mr. Baker replied, “Hi, I’m from the phone company. I’m here to connect your phone.”

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Texas Trucking Company Defense Lawyer Cross Examines Local Witness in Accident Case

I’m fine
A Texas farmer named Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
(allegedly responsible for the accident) to court in Fort, Worth Texas.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of
the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into
the…….”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the
scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”
Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear
what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After
he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to
shoot her – how are you feeling?”

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

 

Attorney Consultation Service

Bad Neighbours
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized
the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my
butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”
“$7.98.” said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that
read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Texas Lawyer Can’t Stop Passing Out Business Cards

Flight Emergency
Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the passengers take their
seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments later, the pilot asked the attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
“We’re all set back here, Captain,” an attendant replied. “Except for one Texas lawyer who is still going around
passing out his business cards.”

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Snappy Answers By Witnesses to Stupid Questions by Attorneys–The Law Has a Sense of Humor

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around   8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Brilliant Law Student

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.

Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”

 

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]

Judge With a Sense of Humor

 

The following order was recently entered by a trial judge in Kentucky.  Sounds like it was a wee bit contentious.

 

The herein matter having been scheduled for a trial by jury commencing July 13, 2011, and numerous pre-trial motions having yet to be decided and remaining under submission;

And the parties having informed the Court that the herein matter has been settled amicably (the Court uses the word amicably loosely) and that there is no need for a Court ruling on the remaining motions and also that there is no need for a trial;

And such news of an amicable settlement having made this Court happier than a tick on a fat dog because it is otherwise busier than a one legged cat in a sand box and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off of a twelve foot step ladder into a five gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a two week trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar and made the parties and their attorneys madder than mosquitoes in a mannequin factory;

IT IS THEREFORE ORDERED AND ADJUDGED by the Court as follows:

1. The jury trial scheduled herein for July 13, 2011 is hereby CANCELLED.

2. Any and all pending motions will remain under submission pending the filing of an Agreed Judgment, Agreed Entry of Dismissal, or other pleadings consistent with the parties’ settlement.

3. The copies of various correspondence submitted for in·camera review by the Defendant shall be sealed by the Clerk until further orders of the Court.

4. The Clerk shall engage the services of a structural engineer to ascertain if the return of this file to the Clerk’s office will exceed the maximum structural load of the floors of said office.

Dated this 19 day of July, 2011.

MARTIN J. SHEEHAN
Kenton Circuit Judge

 

Williams, McClure & Parmelee is dedicated to high quality legal representation of businesses and insurance companies in a variety of matters. We are experienced Texas civil litigation attorneys based in Fort Worth who know Texas courts and Texas law. For more information, please contact the law firm at 817-335-8800. The firm’s new office location is 5601 Bridge Street, Suite 300, Fort Worth, Texas 76112.

Martindale AVtexas[2]